Once again, it's been a while.

The past few months have been a blur. My daughter is now over 8 months old. No freaking way!

She's pulling herself up onto furniture to stand, and walking around with her hands on things. She stands on her own every once in a while, until she realizes she's doing so, then falls down onto her bum. She's eating finger foods (she loooooves teething biscuits). Still no teeth, though I think we may have a couple getting ready to break through (I've been thinking this for months now.. but I really think it's real this time because her gums are awfully swollen.)

Ugh. I feel like I make no sense right now. I returned to work last month and I've found a new meaning to the word 'exhausted'. This little booger keeps me SO busy now that she's mobile, and with work thrown into the mix I am usually ready for bed most nights at 8:30, and asleep by 10. She's also waking up much earlier now that I've returned for work. Neil and I are sharing a car so she gets up with us around 6 while I get ready and doesn't usually go back to sleep.

Speaking of exhaustion. Good night.

Tune in later this week for "Lessons learned- Mistakes I have made as a new mom that I will NOT be repeating with baby #2."

Stop breathing, it might wake up the baby!

Let me tell you.. sick babies are no fun. :(

It's been an exhausting couple of days. Camille woke up on saturday with a stuffed up nose- miserable. She's already been a bit fussy from teething, but this past 5 days really takes the cake. She HATES the bulb that sucks the boogies out.. but I HAVE to use it sometimes. Yesterday was actually pretty good, but she had me on my toes all day today. She constantly wanted to be held, but also wanted to play so I was literally holding on to her whilst accommodating her desire to switch positions every .05 seconds almost all day. She would sit on her blanket or in her exersaucer for 5 minutes at a time and cry to be picked up again.

She didn't want to nap either, so by the time bed time came around she was cranky and overtired. It took almost an hour to get her to go to sleep. Usually I'll pick up on her 'ready for bed cues', change her diaper, lay down to nurse her and she's out in 5-10 minutes. Tonight however, my overtired little sicky princess popped off the breast every 30 seconds or so to look at daddy, or the TV, or the dog, or the door- if it made a noise-  she looked at it.. for a second... then it was back to crying and rubbing her eyes. I'm fairly certain that the stuffy nose is the root cause of nursing/napping being such a chore today. I just feel so bad that there is nothing else I can do for her for this stupid cold.

She's finally sleeping soundly. I was able to sit up without waking her, and I gave Neil permission to slowly start turning the volume on his game back up. I hope tomorrow is not as exhausting as today was.

Nothing is cuter than a sleeping baby.

Daddy's girl.

Neil was worried that his daughter would not recognize him because he works so much. Every time she cried when being held by him he would get discouraged and think that she hated him, or thought she saw him as a stranger. I always told him he was crazy, but now I have proof!

When he gets home from work and I'm still up we always talk. When he starts talking she'll go from fast asleep to wide awake in the blink of an eye, and her head will snap right to him wherever he is. Then she smiles at him, and sometimes falls right back to sleep. When she doesn't fall back to sleep right away she'll usually reach for him and snuggle for a minute before starting to fuss and rub her eyes again, but usually she'll look at him with sleepy eyes and try to fight sleep for a minute before passing out again.

I love my baby girl, and she loves her Daddy. <3

I finally have the internet back!

It's been over 2 months since I've posted, so I have a tonage of stuff to update on. Please forgive me if this turns into a very lengthy post.

First bit of major news- We have re-located back to Bowdoinham. Neil had a vacation and it was WONDERFUL. I was frustrated all week because we were stripping wallpaper and painting until thursday night and I had to keep Camille away from the paint fumes, so I didn't really see Neil as much as I wanted to but in retrospect.. it was still a LOT more than I see him during a normal work week.

Now for the juicy baby details... sheis freaking huge! A little over 14lbs and 25.5 inches. Yikes! She's fitting into 6 mos and 6-9 mos clothes, and is sprouting her first tooth! She's been coughing from all the access drool all day and you can just start to see it poking through her gums.. when she lets you look anyway. Also, last week she just started sitting up by herself!

We have tried solid food a few times, but she isn't eating them on a regular basis just yet. Another 2.5 more weeks and we will celebrate her half birthday with the formal intro of solids into her every day diet. I can already tell you that she will be like her mommy and LOVE carrots.

She found her feet around 4 months, loves to play with her daddy's whiskers, and adores anything the color red or things that make noise, sing songs, and light up. She loves sing alongs, and recently started being more interested in chewing on the pages of her books than letting me read them to her.

So... much.. drool.. might.. drown... **glub glub glub** No but really.. everyone kept telling me that bibs would be my best friend.. and I kept thinking.. Why? I understood that I would need them when it came time to feed solids,  but I honestly didn't understand why everyone who got me anything for me also bought me 5 bibs. Well- I understand now. I get it. Bibs save me from needing to change Camille's drool soaked clothes 6x a day... and when I was only able to do laundry once a week.. that was kind of a big deal. A big thanks to everyone who contributed to my huge bib collection.

We had some portraits taken when she was around 3 months old.Walmart has yet to give us a disc that works properly, but I promise to share the photos once they come in.

The day that we had the photos done my mother brought us an exersaucer and it it Camille's favorite toy! She is enamoured with this little plastic apple on a flexible rod. It has one of those crinkly paper leaves on top and she's constantly bending it down and chewing on it. She is also fond of a little blue remote control thing that plays a few songs, and some little musical notes that are attached to it.

I really cannot believe how quickly the time is going by. My little baby is getting SO big.

One final note for this post... baby toys that sing songs and make animal noises will sound like they are demon possessed when the batteries are dying. If you aren't able to replace them right away and they continue to keep losing juice they will start to sound like they are making farting noises. It's hilarious.

Sew crazy for my baby!

No, I did not make an error!

This weekend, I decided I would stop procrastinating and start working further on my cloth diaper stash. I didn't actually sew any diapers.. but I managed to make 2 fleece soakers, and a third which is not finished yet. I've also sewn 2 pairs of baby legs (leg warmers for when baby needs their legs covered but their fluffy butt is too bulky for pants) and I found two wool sweaters at goodwill to make into soakers as well.

I got sew (ha! get it?!) excited about making the fleece soakers that I didn't bother to check C's measurements before I constructed them. Two of them... using the last bit of the lovely purple fleece I found in my giant mess of fabric. I made them a size small... and ironically enough- they are just that. She was asleep when I finished them last night, so when she woke up I excitedly changed her diaper and went to try on the soaker to find that I couldn't pull it up over her hips. :'( My baby is too big for a size small!!! Also this weekend, I had to adjust the straps in her car seat to the top slot. My baby is growing up!

So, I'm going to have to find someone in the area who has a newborn, or a CD baby who fits into a size small soaker. I'm glad I didn't try this with wool first! I have enough with the two sweaters to make 2 pairs of longies (or shorties.. probably shorties) and 2-3 soakers.

Also, when Neil gets paid I'm definitely heading back to target to buy more socks to make more baby legs with. They're long enough that they'll fit forever and a day and the socks I used to make them were only 1.75 for each pair. Baby legs run for 18 bucks a pop!

Also also.. I put a sleeper on her today that's for 6 months and it actually fits pretty good. Lots of growing room, but it looks much like the 0-3 sized sleepers did when I first brought her home. Where on earth have the last 4 months of my life gone? Somebody hit the pause button for me please!

Am I alone?

I've been posting on this pregnancy/parenting community since I found out I was pregnant. (It's called the bump).. These days I mostly lurk, but I've seen a lot of 'parenting technique/method' questions popping up lately, and it makes me wonder more every day- Am I the only mom just kind of.. wingin' it? Every day it's a new rash of post titles like: "What sleep training method are you using?", "What does your schedule look like?" "What is your little one's bedtime?" "What does your bedtime routine look like?"

Should it really be that complicated? Should I really have read books on different sleep training methods in order to.. teach my child how to.. sleep? Really? Honestly, I've never attempted to set any type of schedule, or get any specific type of routine down and my daughter sleeps very well. She usually goes down for the night between 9-11, sleeps until I move to the bed after Neil gets home (usually we head in there around 3am) at which point I usually change her diaper and put her on the boob until she falls asleep again. She wakes up one more time after the sun comes up to nurse before we're up for the day. During the day she eats when she's hungry, she naps when she's tired, and we play when she isn't eating or sleeping. I'm not sure why anyone would want to try and impose a 'method' of... being.. on that.. but to each his own I guess.

People have been doing this for centuries without Dr. So and so's foolproof methods for getting your child to.. eat and nap during the day and sleep at night, right? I'm not dogging on the people who read these books and use these methods, I guess more or less I'm just feeling like I'm the only mom on the block who's just... wingin' it. My baby is happy, healthy and hitting all of her developmental milestones so I must be doing something right!

I should be sleeping right?

Neil's schedule is so screwy. C usually goes to bed around 11pm, and sleeps until 11am. She usually wakes up to nurse 2-3 times in the early morning (after the sun has come up) and I often wait until after Neil gets home from work to go to bed. It's a struggle to get up in the morning, and I almost never nap with Camille during the day like I always say I'm going to.

I'm exhausted.. but if I go to sleep now, I won't see Neil until tomorrow morning. Then I'll get to be with him for an hour, and he'll be leaving for work.

Cami finally recognizes him though.. she used to cry every time he held her but I think she is getting used to him. He usually 'accidentally' wakes her up when he gets home from work. I can't be upset with him for it because he really doesn't see much of her during the week when he's out busting ass to feed us, and she always goes right back to sleep as soon as I put her on the boob.

While I'm not sleeping, I must gush C's latest accomplishment! I put her on the play mat today for some tummy time while I walked across the living room to hang the cloth diapers over the side of the laundry basket in front of the monitor heater to finish drying. She was facing the TV. I talked to her while I was arranging the dipes, and she made a noise at me so I looked up at her and she had scooted 1/4 around and was facing me with the tv to her left! She then proceeded to kick her legs back as if she were trying to move forward, and quickly became frustrated upon realizing she wasn't going anywhere and started squawking for me to come pick her up. Where have these last 3 months gone!? Is she really trying to crawl already? Go baby go!

She's also very close to rolling from back to front.

Ugh. I'm totally exhausted. It's almost 230 in the morning and I have no idea when Neil will be home.

Mommy time

Is there such a thing? I had this delusion when I was pregnant that I would have time to sew Camille's one size cloth diaper stash. You know.. the one that she should be fitting into like... now. I have 5/32 done... sans snaps because I never fit the pliers into my budget.

I have not done my workout in 2 days.
I want more sleep.

It really does get better.

I remember feeling relieved when Camille was a month old, that I had made it through one month of breastfeeding. I remember being tremendously disappointed, and feeling almost guilty that I didn't enjoy it at all during that first month. Even after we finally weaned from the nipple shield at 6 weeks I felt like breastfeeding was a constant struggle. I had daydreamed about staring down at my suckling infant the entire time I was pregnant. Breastfeeding was this magical mommy privilege in my head.. the only thing that I could provide for my child that nobody else could. I almost felt like a bad mother at times for not enjoying it.

It really does get better. I don't dread giving C the boob anymore. It's second nature to me. I'm no longer constantly concerned with feeding schedules/leaving the house. I can always find a quiet area to feed her while I'm out and about. She no longer takes 45 minutes to an hour to feed, and she's waiting longer between feedings. I look down at Cami when she's eating, and I feel love and awe for this little goober who depends on me for her most basic need. I finally love breastfeeding.

I'm a little afraid I'm turning into 'that' mother though.. the breastfeeding advocate that annoys all of her friends with all of her little fun facts. I find myself 'liking' every other article that kellymom posts to her facebook wall, and I know I have at least 2 formula feeding moms on my friends list.. I really sincerely hope they don't feel like I'm stepping on their toes... I worry a lot about the way I make other people feel. I know I'll probably be that mama getting the side eye for breastfeeding her toddler, but I would hate to be that mama that everyone calls a 'breastfeeding nazi'. I really respect everyone's decisions to breast or formula feed, because I feel like it's a deeply personal decision.... I just really like to share all of the information I find about it that I think is interesting.

While we're on the topic of breastfeeding, kellymom posted an article to facebook that lead me to a video regarding extended breastfeeding (BFing past the first year of life) I guess it's a touchy subject for some people, and I can understand why it isn't for everyone.. but I just don't understand why some people feel so strongly against BFing or extended BFing. Why do they care SO much about the decisions that other people make for their children? The video started out with quotes from people who were opposed to a video the woman posted about breastfeeding, and I was literally horrified when I read some of the things people said. I've heard plenty of (real live) people make the comment 'If they're old enough to ask for it, they are too old to breastfeed' but I was shocked to see people actually equating BFing a toddler to child abuse! [insert a big WTF here]

Here is a link to the video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DdEN8nKWA4E

Now, don't get me wrong.. everyone is entitled to their opinion, but if you're going to form an opinion on something should you not educate yourself on the subject first? Breast milk does not suddenly stop having nutritional value after one year of life. Saying that (and believing it) would be like saying when an adult eats baby food they aren't getting the same vitamins the baby gets from it. It's baby food. Mashed green beans are mashed green beans. They don't change their chemical composition by magically discovering the age of the person consuming them. Breast milk is intended for human consumption. How is fulfilling baby's most basic need (that the human body is designed to provide no less) past a certain age going to be detrimental to the health of the child vs. being beneficial?

Here's some great info on extended BFing in case anyone is interested (or in case you are one of those people who are against it, and trolling the internet looking for advocates to continue your keyboard crusade against.)

http://www.kellymom.com/bf/bfextended/ebf-benefits.html

I usually don't get up on the soap box to preach about my beliefs, but I think it's disgusting that there are nursing mothers all over the world that end up needing to defend and/or justify meeting the needs of their child at some point in time. It takes a pretty ignorant (and f***ing stupid) person to equate feeding a child to abuse, or nursing to indecent exposure. Petition your local grocery stores to hide the covers of Cosmopolitan, and Rolling Stone if you are truly concerned about seeing too much boob. Really. If seeing a mother nursing her child upsets you turn your eyes away. I don't care for seafood but you don't see me writing a letter to congress when the dude at the table next to me at the 99 orders the seafood trio. Mind your own business and let nursing mothers nurse.


http://mamamojo.wordpress.com/2007/09/12/breastfeeding-in-public-warning-offensive-content/

Does the spit up make it official?

It's 12pm on a Sunday. I just got dressed. I haven't had time all week to sort through laundry, so it took me about 10 minutes to find something to put on. I ended up grabbing an already worn cami to go underneath a shirt that is too thin (from being worn so much) to be comfortable on it's own. I'm wearing a pair of stretchy jeans that are way too big, but I wanted to have the comfort of sweat pants without feeling like a total bum. I haven't had a shower because Neil is still in bed. The ugly straps that keep my nursing bra on when the cup is un-clipped is showing in the neckline of my shirt, and I've JUST realized that my left shoulder is covered in baby spit up. This must be the shirt I put on yesterday morning.. you know.. the one that got thoroughly saturated with baby puke 10 minutes after I put it on.

So, I'm officially a mom now right?

Epic adventures in lost time.

Sometime in the last two weeks I blinked, and when I wasn't looking Camille grew into her 3mo sized clothes. I can never really tell she's growing because I see her every day, but then I'll go to grab that onesie that used to be wayyy too long and she'll have grown into it. I went through all of her clothes last week and filled a whole bag of things that didn't fit her anymore. I also set aside the 'sentimental' pile. This included the outfits they gave us in the hospital, and her coming home outfit. 

You know what's so funny.. whenever I notice how much she's grown, it's always because I notice the size of her hands. Always her hands. They're still tiny, but not as tiny as they used to be, and I think they get bigger every time I look at them. It dawned on me when I was watching my sister play the piano a few days ago that my baby would be that big one day. Of course I knew she was going to grow up one day the moment I got pregnant, but watching my sisters hands float across the keyboard of the piano while I was holding my daughter really hit home. I was 9 when Kendra was born so I have a very good memory of her childhood. Those hands were the size of Camille's hands once, and Camille's hands will be that size one day. Kendra is 14 now, and my baby is just a few months old. Where has the time gone?!

I friended one of Neils work buddies and his wife on facebook a few days ago. They have a daughter who is about a year and a half old (I think) and I was looking at her maternity pictures and regretting not having any done of my own. I even have a friend who offered to do them (for free), but I was so depressed about our living situation during my pregnancy that every time I thought about going to see her and get them done I decided against it because I didn't want to have to answer all the questions that everyone always loved to ask, that I always wanted to avoid. "Where are you guys staying? Have you started decorating the nursery yet? Do you have a lot of stuff for her?" 

I've also realized that all of the pictures I have of Camille, are JUST of Camille. I have a bunch with Neil, and a few with all of her grandparents, but I don't have very many of her and I because Neil works so much and I'm always home alone with her. 

I'm being such a Debbie downer! Ah!

On a more positive note, I got a fancy new phone that takes excellent pictures of her (instead of sub par crappy flip phone pictures) and I can upload them directly to facebook.. so there will be much more picture sharing. It even takes videos!

So much fun watching her grow!

My little baby is getting so big so fast! She's growing out of her clothes, and her newborn sized diapers.. She's holding her head up a little better, and stays content on her play mat for longer periods now. She's also grabbing things, and bringing them to her mouth. She's finally interested in the toys on her bouncy seat (just as I was getting ready to sell the damn thing because she would scream to be held every time I sat her down in it) and when I wave at our reflection in the mirror her eyes get wide and she looks over at my hand waving next to her face. Where have the past 2 and a half months of my life gone so quickly? I need to take more pictures!

I can button my pre pregnancy jeans again!

Well.. Kind of. And technically they were my period jeans... they don't look too hot with all of this lovely extra skin flab I've got going on.. but I can physically button them at this point! I still use the hair tie loop trick when I wear them.. but I'm excited that I can wear them at all. When I first came home from the hospital I couldn't even fit them over my butt.

I'm down about 35lbs from my weight when I delivered, but I still have 20lbs to go until I get back to my pre pregnancy weight (I'm shooting for 135.. I was about 140 pre preg). I don't have the extra cash, or childcare to get to the gym like I would like, so I picked up the 30 day shred when I was shopping this weekend. I still haven't made it through the WHOLE workout (yesterday was my first day and Cami woke up BOTH times I tried to do it) but I'm already feeling pretty sore. I took some before pictures but until I find the little adapter that plugs my memory card into my computer they will be stuck on my camera.

In other news, I spent my first full day out of the house with my daughter on memorial day, and we are both still alive and well! We've been out for shopping trips/visiting friends and family for a couple hours at a time.. but Monday I went to a BBQ with some friends (Margot, your potato salad was stellar!) and C and I were out of the house for about 8 hours! Breastfeeding  outside of the comfort and safety of my home more than once (and not in my car, or in my future father in law's house) wasn't as scary as I had imagined it would be!

Well, I was just about to say "Well.. I'm going to go see if I can get away with my 20 minute workout before my kid wakes up.".. but she just did so I guess I'll have to postpone my date with Jillian until later this afternoon.

A survey!

With a short update first!
I've discovered that the noise of the shower instantly calms Camille when she is fighting a nap. My only problem is getting her downstairs, asleep in my arms without her waking up before I put her in the bassinet. It's possible, but tricky. Even so.. the shower is my new secret weapon!

I'm getting really sick of being broke. We have all of our bills paid, and we always have food and everything we need, but there is absolutely NO room for error (like Neil accidentally dropping $200 bucks while we're out shopping/bill paying on the weekend.. guess he'll never just "forget" that I told him to deposit his paycheck as opposed to cashing it ever again will he? It's much easier to replace a lost debit card than it is to replace $200 lost dollars) or extras (like a nursing bra that ACTUALLY supports these planets that are currently lazily strapped to my chest with the flimsy stretchy $11 walmart special. It's comfortable (sometimes) for around the house.. but it would be nice to put the girls (I call them Laverne and Shirly) in something that actually holds them up properly and doesn't show in the neckline of EVERY FREAKING SHIRT I OWN! GAH!

Oh! The week and a half of rain finally cleared up so I strapped Camille into the stroller yesterday and brought her down to the mailbox in it. I LOVE how the sun visor has a little clear vynil window in it so I can see her.. but it reflects the sun a lot so I have to actually bend down and stick my face up to it to see her. Lol.

Ok, so it was a long update. Time for the survey!

1. What is your name?

Ashley

2. How many children did you have before this pregnancy/birth?

None

3. How old were you when you found out you were pregnant?

22

4. How old were/will you be when you gave/give birth?

23

5. How old are you now?

23

6. Were you trying to get pregnant?

Nope

7. If you were, how long did it take?

-Well I wasn't trying.. but I can tell you it only takes ONE time without protection haha

8. How far along were you when you found out you were pregnant?

5 weeks I think

9. Did/will you attend any birthing or breastfeeding classes?

Nope

10. Did/Do you have a birth plan?

I didn't want to set anything in stone, because I didn't want to look back on it and be disappointed if it didn't go according to plan. 

11. What books (if any) did/are you read(ing) to prepare for pregnancy and childbirth?

What to expect when you're expecting, and Your Pregnancy and childbirth

12. Were/are you considered a high risk pregnancy?

No

13. Were/are you afraid of childbirth?

I was terrified of possibly needing a C-section

14. Were you/have you been told a lot of childbirth horror stories during your pregnancy?

No, not really.

15. Was your labor induced?

I begged Neil for sex about 2 hours before I went into labor because I heard that it works to induce labor. Apparently it does. lol So I wasn't induced medically.. but I wasn't in labor before we did the deed.. and I was shortly after.. so I guess we self induced. 

16. Where did/will you give birth (hospital, home, etc.)?

Midcoast.

17. What time did you go into labor?

Erm.. early labor started around 2-3 am

18. How long were you in labor?

About 19 hours

19. What time did you give birth?

10:22pm March 14th, 2011

20. How many weeks pregnant were you when your baby was born?

40 weeks 2 days

21. Who all was/will be in attendance at your birth?

Neil and my Mommy :)

22. Did you find out the sex of the baby before it was born?

Yes

23. What sort of pain management (if any)did/will you use (epidural, natural methods, hypnosis)?

I had planned to at least try for a natural birth with no pain medication.. but back labor changed my mind. I had a shot of nubaine while I was waiting for the epidural, then whatever they had in the epi that made the whole lower half of my body go fuzzy.

24. How did/will you deliver (c-section, forceps, vaginally with no mechanical assistance, etc)?

Vaginally

25. Did you have an episiotomy?

No, and no tearing.

26. Did they take the baby from you immediately?

They cleaned her off, and cleaned her airways out and I got to hold her until I delivered the placenta and Neil cut the cord. They took her after that.

27. Did/do you want to breastfeed?

Yes. 

28. How long did/will you breastfeed?

2.5 months so far. I plan to breastfeed for a year. 

29. Did your baby have any health problems?

A little jaundice at first because she wasn't latching properly, but other than that no.

30. How long did you stay in the hospital?

I got there monday around 430.. and didn't get to leave until friday afternoon.

31. Did you experience postpartum depression?

It comes and goes. 

32. If your baby is a boy, did/will you have him circumcised?

I have a girl, but if I had a boy I would absolutely not circumcise him.

33. What advice would you give to other women about birth and/or pregnancy?

If you plan to go natural, practice some kind of technique to help you relax through/cope with the pain... I feel like if I had done this instead of just winging it I would have been able to do it. Remember to breathe, and don't be afraid to speak up or ask for anything when you are laboring. 

Thanks anyway, RE: Unsolicited parenting advice.

This is not directed at anyone specifially, I've just had enough with all of the unsolicited/bad advice. I'm no veteran mom but I've done my homework on the hot topics and made decisions I'm comfortable with based on the research I have done.

You absolutely cannot possibly spoil  a newborn. Yes, I pick my child up every.time.she.cries. She is less than 6 months old. She cries because she needs me, even if it is just for comfort. There is a reason humans are born with all of these basic instincts. Obviously if I'm in the shower and she wakes up she has to wait until I can power through the towel dry/getting dressed process... but I do not ans will not just let my baby cry herself to sleep because I need a break. The grossly missunderstood "cry it out" method should not be used until 6 months, because newborns do not know how to self sooth/self regulate their emotions that early. Also, "cry it out" does not mean let your baby scream until they exhaust themselves and fall asleep. When done properly, you let baby cry for a very short period of time, and comfort your baby periodically without picking them up. 

For more info on the Ferber method (CIO) check here

http://www.babycenter.com/0_the-ferber-method-demystified_7755.bc

and here

http://drbenkim.com/articles-attachment-parenting.html  

If you don't have time for the whole article the bold exerpts provide the main points in the article.

Also, CIO is not the only method of sleep training  that exists, and I don't plan to use it... so please stop giving me the side eye because I will postpone my lunch for 2 hours to make sure my child is comfortable and happy. 

She doesn't need rice cereal until 4-6 months. It will not help her to sleep longer, and it would only 'keep her full longer' because her body can't digest it properly yet. Unless otherwise directed by the pediatrician, breastmilk will be her primary source of nutrition until she is 6 months, then secondary until she is at least one year old. Also, unless something happens to my supply, there is NO reason I will ever HAVE to supplement with formula.

I assure you, she will not suffocate in the moby wrap. I read the directions,  and I can hear/feel/see her breathing. 

Next time you're tempted to tell me that something is 'ok' because (insert offence here) was done around you, and even me when I was a child.. and we're fine- please bite your tongue. Seriously. I didn't ask you not to do something, or TO do something for you to argue with me about it and try to convince me otherwise. I don't ask you to wipe your ass a different way than you are used to because I think the way I do it is fine and dandy do I? NO!

So.. thanks anyway, but I'm all set. 

::takes a bow and ducks out::

My baby is 2 months old!

She had her 2 month checkup today! She's 9lbs 5oz, and 22.5 inches long! She also had her 2 month shots today, and she was so pitiful! It wasn't as bad as her hep b vac when she was a month old.. but it still hurt mommy's feelings pretty bad to see her screaming like she was.

I had planned to hit on a few other things but I'm totally exhausted. I will say that I have a bunch of cloth diaper info in the workings in wordpad. I'm not sure if I'm going to incorporate that into this blog, make a new blog for it, or find a free web host and just make a website.. but more than likely I will use the blog format. I'm just not sure if I'll make a second blog of it.

Nap time!

I feel like a single mom.

I see Neil for about an hour during the daytime mon-fri.. and when the weekend rolls around I'm up with the baby and he's in bed till god knows when. I feel bad trying to wake him up before he's really ready because he works so hard and so much.. but I miss him.. and I feel like I could use a little bit of a break on the weekends.. some help picking up the house.. a partner to make a game plan for dinner with. I'm tired of being alone all the time.

Breastfeeding.

Let me start off by saying that I'm not writing this with the intention of schmearing the name of formula feeding moms. I understand that breastfeeding vs. formula feeding is a choice, and a mother is entitled to make the choice that works best for her and her child. That being said.. wtf is it with all the anti-breastfeeding crap I'm hearing about lately.

Neil told me a few days ago that his work buddies are 'surprised' that I'm breastfeeding (and cloth diapering.. but that's not the issue we're discussing right now). They say it's "so primal" and they don't understand why I'm doing it. I was confused as to why anyone would be surprised that a woman breastfed her child.. I mean isn't that what everyone was forced to do before the invention of formula? Why else would a womans body produce milk after childbirth? Why aren't more people surprised when women choose to formula feed?

I guess I never really realized how many women just choose to formula feed. I always think 'haven't they read the studies? Don't they know the benefits? Why would they choose to get up and make a bottle in the middle of the night instead of just snuggling up to their baby and fall asleep feeding them? Also.. formula is wicked expensive.. why would anyone choose to spend 90 bucks a week on formula when there's the option to feed your kid for free? I understand that this point of view is incredibly naive of me. Of course there are women out there that just feel formula is a better choice for them.. but I don't fully understand why so many people look at breastfeeding in such negative light.

Here are just SOME of the things I've heard people say. I'm gonna be honest.. I might end up getting a little judgmental at this point. Please note, this doesn't have anything to do with women who choose not to BF because they can't or because it's just not right for them.. I'm only hitting on the negative things I've heard people say about it.

"It's so unnatural." - OK, I will never wrap my head around this one. I don't understand how anyone who has two brain cells to rub together could think that BFing is unnatural. What the hell else are boobs supposed to be for? A womans body produces milk following childbirth.

"It's gross and weird." - I can at least understand how some women might feel this way. One of Neils coworkers wives equates expressing breast milk to using the bathroom (fluids leaving the body?.. idk.. I think she's crazy) and formula feeds her kid, but pumps her breast milk to loose weight (BFing burns calories) and flushes it down the toilet (this should be a crime!)

"You have to change your diet, and eventually you will have to supplement with formula because they won't be getting enough from breast milk alone." - FALSE. Again, what do you think people did before the invention of formula? You do not need to change your diet to breastfeed. Can you go out binge drinking every day? No, but broccoli will not give your baby gas, and some spicy mexican food will not make your milk burn your little ones mouth. Alcohol leaves breast milk at the same rate it leaves your blood, so if you indulge in a glass of wine or a mixed drink all you need to do is wait 1.5 to 2 hours for it to leave your system. Also, BM is produced on a supply and demand basis. If your baby needs your body to produce more, he/she will feed more often until your supply catches up. As baby gets older and needs more calories, breast milk actually increases the amount of calories in the same volume of milk to meet your baby's needs. Cool!

"Breastfeeding ties you down." I never have to worry about having enough formula when I leave the house. I bring it with me sometimes just because I'm not entirely comfortable with the idea of BFing in public (without a nursing cover.. I want one but I don't have one) yet. So far I've done it at other peoples homes, and twice in the car, but without a cover, I'm not comfortable trying to get C latched on in a coffee shop just yet. Preparing a bottle and making sure I have enough to feed her while I'm out is annoying.. and it's just one more thing to worry about having in the diaper bag before I'm out the door. Also, breastfeeding only takes about 5 minutes longer than preparing and feeding a bottle.


I hate to sound like I'm bashing formula feeding moms. I'm really not so I hope that's not how this is coming off.. I just feel like there is a lot of negative light surrounding breastfeeding.. and I think if people were more informed maybe it wouldn't be so bad. I don't get why so many people think that it's so awful to do something that humans have been doing for thousands of years. Formula was invented as supplemental nutrition for premature infants, and years later women are suddenly looked down upon (by some) for choosing to feed their babies the way nature intended? It's gone so far in the US that laws actually had to be created to protect breastfeeding women. Women in the workplace, women in jail.. in public areas? I just don't get it. Just my two cents..

It's so lonely.

Neils hours suck. When I was still pregnant I could wait up for him. A few times a week C will just happen to be up to eat when he gets home from work, but more often than not, I'm up early with the baby and we are both sleeping when he gets home from work. As the summer approaches, and there are more nice days for people to go out and drink, there is more demand for alcohol and therefore Neil works longer days. 19 hours of overtime last week.. and at 10pm on a thursday he has 3 hours of overtime so far... it would be one thing if he worked your typical 9-5 and stayed late a few days of the week.. but his work day doesn't start until 130pm.. so basically he gets up around 11, leaves around 1230, and comes home anytime between 12-4am.

To top it all off, Camille is going through this horrible "I won't sleep in my own bed" phase, and no matter how deeply she's sleeping as SOON as I put her down she wakes up. I really don't like co-sleeping, but it's the only way I've been able to get her to sleep. I just want to cuddle up with Neil, and I can't. Half the time I can't even sleep in my bed. I'm more comfortable sitting up in a chair with her on my chest than I am laying in bed with her on my chest.. so on the chair in the living room is usually where I end up.

Weekends are the hardest.. because he's still on his work schedule, and I'm still on my mommy schedule.. so he sleeps until 1-2, and I'm up by 9 at the latest with the baby. I sit here in the chair and watch him in bed all morning. I see him every day, but I miss him so much.

Adventures in sleep deprivation.

I have gas but I'm afraid to fart because it might wake up my sleeping child 0_0

Ever since the 6 week growth spurt C has been a clingy, fussy, and constantly fighting sleep. Momma needs a break little one! She's definitely grown a ton though.. I can feel the difference in her weight and chunkiness when I pick her up. It's getting harder and harder to deny that my little baby is growing more quickly than I would like to admit. 

Neil works too much. We miss him :(

Exhausted.. I'm going to try and grab some sleep while she is still out. Goodnight world. 

Thank goodness it's over!

I think we are officially done with the 6 week growth spurt. C's feeding schedule is back to normal, and as of 2-3am-ish.. she's sleeping regularly again. She is taking her second nap for the day, and I was able to get a load of diaper laundry in and make myself some lunch.

Also, we took our first walk outside in the fresh air today! If I had a car I would have taken her downtown to the library, and maybe over to the mall to grab a danny's hot dog and hang out on the green for a bit.. but Neil needs the car for work.. so I put Cami in the moby and took a walk down to the mailbox. Apparently the mailbox requires some kind of funky key positioning skill that I do not have.. so I wasn't actually able to check the mail.. but the fresh air was nice. I've been fighting off a migraine all day so I think I'm going to keep this post short and go grab some ibuprofen and nap with the little one. She is so amazing and cute!

Adventures in saving money.

I've discovered this strange new world where nothing I need ever has to cost me money ever again. "Yeah right!" You cry, "Everything costs money!" Well, yes, I will be forking over the green stuff more often than would really like.. and I'm not going to be a master couponer overnight.. filling my cart with $300 worth of groceries and only having an $8 balance at the checkout... but I've only been in this a week and I'm already starting to get excited when I find a store coupon and a manufacturer coupon for the same item and realize that I'm going to get it for free, or close to free.

I got my first free item yesterday (one that I didn't need at the moment no less.. in true 'extreme couponer style'.. if you've watched any of the shows you might notice that they always have way more of one thing that they need because when it's free they use the coupons/sale deals to stock up on it.. regardless of weather or not they need it.. because.. well.. it's free) and it felt so good! I had a coupon for $3 off any A&D ointment product (they come in tubes, and giant tubs of the stuff), and I needed baby wipes anyway.. so I grabbed the coupon and headed for target. When I got there I was excited to see that the A&D ointment had been reduced to $2.99, so I got it for free!

Check out this blog for some tips and tricks if you're interested in getting started. I'll probably add more on couponing later in another section.

<center><a href="http://www.freebies2deals.com" target="_blank"><img border="0" alt="Freebies2Deals" src="http://i977.photobucket.com/albums/ae258/bigjgnu/th_buttondraft.png" /></a></center>

The 'getting started' and FAQ are good places to check first. Then be sure to go to the freebies page.. because who doesn't love free stuff?

Epic adventures in growth spurt territory.

This is what my day was like.

12am. Fall asleep in chair in front of the tv because baby will only stay asleep as long as she is in my arms.

Sometime between 12am and 230 am Neil came home. He sat next to the chair and tried to talk to me.. I remember trying to respond and tell him what was in the fridge.. but you know when you're so tired that you aren't sure weather you were talking out loud, or thinking about what you were going to say? Yeah..

230am - Neil wakes me up to tell me he's going to bed. I groggily say 'I'm coming'.

a few minutes later? - Neil wakes me up again to remind me I told him I was coming to bed. I get up carefully.. stumble into the bedroom with baby in my arms and gently place her in the pack n play. I snuggle up to Neil, and JUST as I start to relax.. guess who needs my attention. I pick her up and she immediately falls asleep again. Nice. Defeated, I put C on my chest, and prop my elbows up with pillows so my hands keep hold of her and I'll feel when she starts to move when she wakes.

Around 530ish- C starts to stir

6am- Camille demands I wake to feed her. We move out to the living room so as not to wake Daddy, and C gets her breakfast.

645am- Mommy falls asleep watching the news and burping baby.

945am - Baby starts crying because she's hungry again.

1030am - Coffee time- by far my favorite part of every day!

11am- first attempt to wake up Daddy.

1130- C wants to eat again.

Somewhere between this feeding, and Camille going into the swing, I started a blog post and got distracted.

1215ish.. C is content in her swing while mommy goes through her coupons. She finally falls asleep around 1245.

I went upstairs at this point and hung out with Neil and my dad until Neil prepares to leave for work. Neil ran downstairs to check his fb and grab his vest.

130 - I hear Neil talking to C on the baby monitor so I run back downstairs. I kiss Neil goodbye, and C starts fussing again. Why? Because she's hungry! woohoo!

215- C is sleeping, so I run upstairs to wolf down some lunch. C is fussing. After coming to her aid, I am shocked to find that after 30 minutes of trying to sooth her.. the only way I can console her is by feeding her.. again!

330pm- Foolishly, I assume C will stay asleep as I try to put her in the car seat so we can run out in town to get stamps and a new pair of sewing scissors. Nope. I hold her and walk around talking to her until she falls asleep again, then put her in the bouncy seat around 350. At this time, I also realize that firefox froze when I was downloading google chrome, and I've lost my blog post. I also realize that I can't even remember what I was writing about, but I DO remember that there was mention of my new found love for couponing (which I will elaborate on later.. because there is major money to be saved out there and I want to share the love.)

400pm- Kendra is home from school and the dogs start barking to let us know. Camille is awake again.. and rooting again. I feed her and stick her in the car seat. I forgot stamps while I was out in town, and I forgot to pay the phone bill again, because as we were leaving joann fabrics C started getting seriously fussy again.

600ish- Home, and C eats again. Dad runs out to grab a tonage of McDonalds. I ended up bringing C upstairs with me, and she was quite content sitting in the boppy sucking on her hand while I had some dinner. She started fussing again so we came downstairs. She started fussing after a few minutes so I went through a whole array of things trying to figure out why she was SO unhappy. I changed her diaper, changed her clothes thinking maybe she was hot or otherwise uncomfortable in her adorable outfit (which I have pictures of if I can figure out how to get them from the new camera to my computer), put her in the swing for a few minutes, sang her a song, rocked her in my arms, walked around with her, burped her, put her on her belly.. but what was wrong? She was hungry again less than an hour after I fed her last! Perhaps she wasn't full when she stopped.. I'm not sure, but she did the same thing during her 3 week growth spurt so I shouldn't have been so surprised.

From 645-930 we went back and forth between feedings and 10-15 minute naps.. and now she is FINALLY sleeping in her bouncy seat. She's been there for about 30 minutes, and is starting to stir again. It's going to be a long night!

Success!

Camille FINALLY latched and fed without the accursed nipple shield!

It's a win win. She didn't need the shield, and she fed 2x as quickly without it as she did with it. So proud of my baby girl!

How am I still awake?

Seriously. How?

Camille kept me up until 4am, then woke me up at 7. She fussed until she was done eating around 830.. JUST as I was falling asleep- Neil showed up with coffee.. I stayed up and had some coffee with him, but fell asleep again for about another hour. Then my mommy came to visit me :) so I was up for the day around 1130.

Now- I'm wide awake. I tried to chill out and nap, but I can't. Camille is fast asleep and I think she might actually be out for the night this time. I should be sleeping. I want to be sleeping, but somehow, running on 4 hours of sleep.. I'm wide awake. Somebody please show up at my house with a cast iron fry pan and knock me out!

Watch C wake up the second I start to pass out. I bet you money it will happen!

My baby is a month old already!

As of last night Camille is already a month old! I can't believe it!

Is it horrible that my first thought was '1 month of breastfeeding down- 11 more to go!' I almost feel guilty that I'm not 'enjoying' breastfeeding. Every once in a while when I look down at her while she's eating I have an 'aww' moment.. and it feels really good to be providing for my child the way I am.. but it's been so much more of a struggle than I anticipated. We're still using the shield, she is still not latching consistently.. I have to pull her off all the time and try over and over to get her on properly constantly. I blame everything on the shield, but I feel awful that I'm still having those 'I swear I'm throwing in the towel!' moments.

If only I cound freeze time.

She is asleep on my chest. I'm looking down at the back of her head, and her tiny body snuggled up to me.. bum resting in the boppy in my lap. I wish I could get pictures of these moments from my perspective, exactly the way my eyes see them. I wish these moments could last forever.

I love you Camille <3

Dinner should make itself!

I really should have planned ahead. Every time I bail on the idea of making supper while C is napping she sleeps for 4 hours. Every time I get her to go down for a nap, expecting enough time for dinner she wakes up when I'm just getting to that point where you can't just shut everything off and wait till later.

Lucky for me, I have help this week. Neil is at home until friday per doctors recommendation. He woke up in pain on sunday so I made him call the doctor thinking he might have a bladder infection. Turns out his abdominal muscles were strained, and if he had gone to work on monday he more than likely would have ended up with a hernia! I am SO glad he listened to me and called the doctor (for the first time ever).

On a happier note, I am pleased to announce that another one of our childhood friends from the trailer park became a father yesterday! Congrats to the new parents Matt and Alysha! I am sooo happy for you! They make the third couple of our childhood friends to have babies! Another is due with their first later this year. I can hardly believe it! I feel so old!

Also today, I left the house for the first time without baby :(. I took my sister to a meeting at her school 5 minutes away from home, and I was only gone an hour. It was bittersweet for me. I enjoyed the time to myself (short as it may have been) but when Neil texted me and told me that she wouldn't stop crying I wanted nothing more than to cuddle her in my arms and just listen to her wail. He finally got her to settle down with a bottle, but it was still heartbreaking to know that she was inconsolable even for a short time and I was unable to try and soothe her!

5 things I absolutely cannot live without

I would be lost without these things. For serious.. I don't think I would survive.

• My boppy pillow
• The greatest invention of all kind. For the first week of C's life, the boppy was actually a pain. She was so small, that when I tried to use it she would slide down between me and the boppy and I would have to completely reposition her. This would often end in her coming unlatched, and fussing, and both of us getting covered in breast milk because I was engorged and leaking everywhere.. no fun. My back hurt a lot for that first week.. but she's finally big enough to actually be supported by it, and I can't feed her without it. Well I probably could if I practiced but I haven't tried, and don't care to.
• Carnation instant breakfast, cereal, and granola bars.
• Because who has time to eat when you have a newborn? I certainly do not. Without these things, I would surely have starved to death by now. I'm serious. Really, I am.
• Dreft Stain Remover
• Really.. it's magic. I've even used the stuff to get a poop stain out of a sleeper that I forgot about and baked on in the dryer.
• Ten thousand sleepers and receiving blankets.
• Ok, so maybe I'm a little off on the numbers.. but I have a ton of these. When I was putting it all away in C's closet I though "What the hell am I going to do with all of these?" The answer? Use them. The small burp cloths are pretty useless when you have a baby like mine that likes to try and look around while you're burping her. They are nice to keep handy for wiping up spittle messes that mysteriously appear when baby is sitting in her bouncer and you get up to change the channel, but I find that a receiving blanket covering your whole shoulder works better for burping. I go through so many because they are easy to lose track of, fall on the floor and get covered in dog hair, are handy for catching pee messes during changing (I learned to keep one under her so when she pees when I'm changing her I can just use the blanket to wipe up the mess, hit the table with a wet wipe and keep going) and good for a quick cover when you're breastfeeding and someone walks into the room. As for the sleepers, some days are better than others as far as poop/pee messes go, but it helps to have a million of these when you're too busy/exhausted to throw in a load of laundry every couple of days.
•  Sleep
•  This one is pretty strait forward.

5 things I didn't expect,

5 Things I did not expect to experience as a new mom.

• Pregnancy brain turned into baby brain.
• For those of you who are not familiar with pregnancy brain (or baby brain for that matter) remember that time you got really drunk in high school when your parents were out of town? You walked into the kitchen and couldn't remember what you were there for, so you went back to your room and remembered you wanted cereal.. so you go back to the kitchen for cereal, only when you arrive you can't remember what you went in there for (again.. wtf right?).. so you stand in the kitchen staring at the cupboards for 10 minutes before checking the fridge. You find the cereal in the fridge and remember that the cereal is what you came to the kitchen for... but what on earth is the cereal doing in the fridge? That is what pregnancy brain is like.. sans drunkenness.. Baby brain is twice as bad. I needed to clean a mess up in the kitchen yesterday and looked in the fridge, trash, and bathroom before realizing that I meant to grab a rag out of the drawer next to the sink. I'm not sure if it's hormones, exhaustion, or a combination of the two. Either way- I did not expect this flaky forgetfulness that started during pregnancy to continue on into motherhood.
•  Fluids
• So.. I fully expected to be covered in puke, pee, and poopy.. I stocked up on receiving blankets and burpy cloths for a reason.. the one fluid I did not expect to be drowning in every day was my own breast milk. Really? Breast milk? Yes. It gets everywhere. All over baby, all over boppy, all over mommy. I've had to change my shirt, my pants, and C's sleeper before. "What?! Your pants?!" you might be wondering? I'll explain. The first few days the milk comes in.. it leaks. Everywhere. Those first few days of BFing are really difficult. Little one is learning what to do, you are learning how to hold little one, it's painful.. it's not a simple process.. and engorged boobs are sensitive! The solution? Feed little one while topless. The problem? The side you are not feeding on leaks.. a lot. The result? When the feeding is over, little one needs a new outfit.. and you're smelling your pants to make sure you didn't get peed on. 
•  Breast feeding is difficult and painful (only at first)
• I knew it was going to be difficult because I read up on it a lot while I was pregnant, but I did not expected it to be as physically and emotionally taxing as it was. The first few days were absolute hell. C didn't latch properly right away (the nurses and lactation consultant assured me that it was fairly common for smaller babies) so we had to use a shield, and I had to pump to get what tiny bit of colostrum (the precursor to milk) I could to supplement the feedings because C wouldn't stay on long enough to get what she needed. I pretty much lived topless the first 3 days at the hospital. The lanolin, and ointment they gave me did little to ease the pain, and I felt like the biggest failure in the world when I had to use a machine, and a syringe (with a straw not a needle) in order to feed my child. The nursing staff and lactation consultant were tremendously helpful those first few days. I think if they had not been so supportive I might have caved in and started giving her formula, or exclusively pumped and bottle fed. I am so glad that the staff was so helpful to me. Their kind words of support, and all the advice they gave me rang in my ears every time I was crying over my infant at 4am ready to throw in the towel. New moms, and moms to be- Don't be too quick to throw in the towel. Don't get me wrong. BFing isn't for everyone, and some women really are physically incapable of doing it.. but if you're able to, and you're having second thoughts because it's difficult- don't give up. It gets better after the first few weeks, I promise. It's one of the most emotionally rewarding things I've been able to share with my child so far. I'm grateful every day that I am able to do it. 
• Newborn poop is loud.
• Very loud.. like.. you can hear it from across the room.. with the TV up. It's hilarious! Also, while we are on the subject.. I also didn't expect to get so much enjoyment out of cleaning it up. Let me clarify- I'm not lining up at daycares to change newborn diapers.. I just mean that I find it amusing when she 'makes a poopie' (that's how I refer to it) and I'm surprised that my natural reaction to C filling a dipe is to giggle and excitedly talk her through the changing process. 
• Murphy's law applies to everything  you do.
• As soon as you take away the dirty diaper baby has to pee again. As soon as you get the fresh diaper on, and the thousand snaps on baby's sleeper snapped.. they have to poop again. Every time you think you'll be all set without the nursing pads you leak all over your shirt... in public. Baby only spits up during burping is when you are not protected by a burp cloth. You get the idea.  

Love.

Love, is fixing a plate for your significant other with one hand (by the way.. getting a piece of tin foil torn off and wrapping it around a plate with one hand is tricky business) then watching your own food get cold while you're feeding your fussy infant. I've pretty much gotten used to eating everything cold at this point.

She is so worth it!

March 14'th 2011 (Another novel.. I promise all of my entries won't be as long as these first two!)

I spent almost a year repeating "March 12" over and over again to friends, family, strangers in the grocery store. As I approached the end of the third trimester, I was told I would probably deliver early by my obstetrician, my mother, friends who had children of their own.. but of course I was not so lucky.

I had been in and out of labor and delivery for weeks. My blood pressure was all over the place at every appointment and around 35 weeks I started swelling. I resembled the michelain man, sans pasty white hue and funky hat. I was miserable.

The day after my due date I spent much of the day on the couch. I was tired, swollen, my back hurt, I had a headache. I wanted Camille to come out! I complained to anyone who would listen, and received sage advice "What got her in there will get her out!" from several people. I kept telling myself I shouldn't get my hopes up because she wasn't going to come until she was ready but I figured it wouldn't hurt to try anyway, so we did the deed and went to sleep.

I woke up a few times to change positions (a huge chore when you're exhausted and 9mos pregnant) because my back hurt. I think I started to notice that the back pain was accompanied by cramps around the time the sun started to come up. It was still too dark to see the clock, but the moment I realized I might be having contractions I was awake, and there was NO getting back to sleep. I was still in denial until around 7am. I was finally too uncomfortable to stay in bed, and I was definitely having contractions. They weren't overly painful at that point... they felt much like menstrual cramps. I got up out of bed and let Neil sleep. It was Monday, March 14th. Neil would be getting up to get ready for work around 11, so I would wait to see if things started to progress before waking him up and telling him I thought I was in labor. I couldn't keep it to myself though so I called my mom and told her that I thought I was in labor and I would keep her updated as the day went on.

I repacked my hospital bag (for about the millionth time) had some coffee, and had a nice big breakfast. Finally my contractions were starting to really progress. I started timing them, they were about 7 minutes apart and lasting 45 seconds to a minute. I woke Neil up around 10:30 I think. "Hey sweetie, do you wanna have a baby today?" He startled awake and started looking around frantically.. "Huh? What.. what's going on?". I told him to call work and let them know he wouldn't be coming in.

The contractions were really starting to feel miserable. They were now 3-5 minutes apart and lasting about a minute, to a minute and a half. Time to call the OB! They told me to head up to labor and delivery to be checked out and monitored. Much to my dismay, I was told I was only dilated 1cm and still only 50% effaced, as I had been since 37 weeks. Lame. BUT- I was in labor now! Hooray! They asked me to walk the halls for an hour or so to see if I would progress at all. For an hour I walked around L&D, contractions getting too painful to stand through. I'm so glad I had Neil there with me. He made jokes, and held me up when I felt like I couldn't stand. I couldn't have done it without him. After that hour, they fed me some lunch and checked me again. I was heartbroken when they told me I still hadn't made any progress. They gave me the option to stay, or leave and labor at home. I chose to go home since we were so close. I figured I would be more comfortable in my own home anyway.

The moment we pulled in the driveway, I had the answer to the question "How will I know if I have back labor?" I was curious about it for months, because I've had back problems in the past. I always wondered if I would be able to tell the difference between back labor, and a back ache. There was no mistaking the fact that I was feeling back labor. After that first 'back contraction' (which hurt from the middle of my butt, up to my waist and sent a burning/sharp pain down the sides of my thighs) I turned to Neil and told him that I didn't know what I was thinking when I had planned to at least try to go without an epidural. "Eff that" I think were my exact words. I would not wish that pain on my worst enemy. For 2 hours I tried to distract myself. First with facebook, then with TV, then with episodes of 'The secret life of the american teenager" on nexflix. I think we made it half way through the second episode before Neil was begging me to go back to the hospital. I was certain that I would just get sent home again. It had only been 2 hours. 'But honey you're in so much pain'.. DUH Neil! I'm in labor! It's supposed to be painful.. we expected this!

Finally, I realized I was having trouble relaxing between contractions, I had the shakes, and I was feeling light headed because I wasn't concentrating on breathing through the contractions as well as I probably should have. Neil grabbed my phone and asked for the number to the hospital. I begged him to wait, still convinced that it was completely normal to be in this much pain.. first time moms usually labor like this for 12-24 hours right? That's what the OB kept telling me anyway! I called my mother, thinking that she would be able to assure Neil that what I was experiencing was perfectly normal- instead she told me that I needed to call the hospital and head back to labor and delivery. She said it really sounded like I needed to be there.

Defeated, I called midcoast and they gave me the "well.. you can come back if you want.. but it's only been 2 hours." Um- thanks.. I forgot about that part. Did I mention I was having trouble breathing? Yes, I DO want to come back and get checked out.. why else would I have called? I arrived around 4pm, and they brought me to a room. They gave me a gown, but I never put it on. It was all I could to get my pants off and lay down on the bed. The nurse said something about the bag of waters when she started to check me.. I thought 'great.. I've at least made some progress' but I must admit I was entirely unprepared for it when she told me that I was dilated to 8cm, just 2 and a half hours after I was sent home at 1cm and not progressing. I didn't believe her. I asked if she was serious 4-5 times I think. In retrospect.. I'm not sure why I thought a L&D nurse would joke about that kind of thing.. but it still took a minute to sink in. I was almost there. She asked me if I wanted the epidural, and I said yes. I asked Neil to call my mother, and the room filled with nurses.

There were 2 on one side trying to start an IV, a lab tech trying to draw blood.. my BP was still all over the place so they had the cuff strapped to my arm going off every 5 minutes. One nurse asking me questions and filling in stuff on the computer. They were so great. They would stop everything they were doing to hold my hand and help me breathe through the contractions. The nurse who checked me came in with a shot of nubaine (spelling?)  to take the edge off until I could get the epidural, but it did nothing. After 20 minutes or so the anesthesiologist showed up and I had my epirudal after a few minutes. Sweet relief! My mother arrived shortly after I started to feel fuzzy from the epi. The on call OB showed up and broke my water. They told me to rest for a couple of hours.

I'll spare all of details of the actual act of giving birth, except to say that she was face up, instead of face down for much of the time I was laboring. She came out fairly quickly after she finally turned, but I almost ended up with a C-section.

Finally, at 10:22pm on March 14th, 2011 we reached the moment we had been waiting on since July 5th (the day we found out we were pregnant). We were finally holding our baby in our arms. She was perfect. Beautiful. They told me she was going to be huge, but she only weighed 6lbs 12oz, and she was 18 inches long. After that first perfect hour with her, Neils dad, my dad, and my sister came in to meet her and left. The nurses took her away for a bath, and another came in and gave me the low down on 'post baby hoo ha care'... but I didn't need any stitches (thank god) so I didn't really have any super special care requirements. I actually wasn't in that much pain. I definitely had some sore muscles.. there was NO denying that I just had a baby.. I guess I just expected it to be more painful than it was.

I don't know how I slept at all that night. Actually I don't think I slept at all that night. I remember changing her first poopy diaper around 530am. I got to sleep sometime after the sun came up.

I don't really have anything else to say about that day other than the cliche 'the best day of my life' stuff.. but it really was the greatest day of my life.
 

Woah, I'm a mom... how did that happen?

I'm pretty sure everybody knows how it happened, I mean.. I didn't get pregnant swimming in Pinkham pond last summer.. so I'll go back to the beginning.

In the beginning, there was a trailer park. It's still there actually. The trailer that I called home for the first 18 years of my life is gone, but the neighborhood I grew up in is still there. That's where I met him. We were 7 years old. It was a cloudy day, and I feel like I remember it being chilly and windy as well. I was running something to the mail box for my mother. Half way through the field this strange little boy comes running toward me from the opposite direction. He popped out from behind a tree right as I was approaching it and we both stopped dead in our tracks.. we had almost run into each other.
"Who are you?!" He demanded.
"I'm Ashley, who are you?" I replied.
"I'm Neil, and that's my brother Noel. (he pointed to Noel who was closely following him) Do you wanna be friends?"
"Yeah! Sure!"
"Ok, lets go play in the woods!"

And that's how we met. I don't remember the rest of the day.. I don't even remember bringing the mail to the mailbox.. I only remember that moment.

As our friendship continued we somehow decided at the ripe old age of 7 that we were to be 'boyfriend and girlfriend' I'm not sure how that came about either. I think it started when we realized his name was Neil, and my last name was Armstrong. Somehow that meant we were destined to be together because of Neil Armstrong (you know.. that guy who walked on the moon?).. don't ask me how it made sense, I just remember Noel and Nich picking on us about it.. and we eventually decided that we were boyfriend and girlfriend. We used to sneak off into the tall grass to cuddle and hold hands. I don't think we even really talked when we did it. We just sat in the tall grass holding hands.

Every other weekend I would anticipate their arrival friday night. Around 6pm if I remember correctly. They always had to stay inside for the night for a family dinner with their mom.. but were usually allowed to come out and romp around the neighborhood a little later. Especially when we got older.

After a couple of years Neil dumped me, and I was devastated! As devastated as a girl under the age of 10 can be anyway. I remember crying into my pillow holding a picture of him for 15 or 20 minutes, and then suddenly getting over it as if it had never happened. I knew we would always be friends. And we were. Every other weekend the boys would come over, and we would spend the majority of our time running around in the woods, rolling around in poison ivy, and climbing trees infested with brown tail moth caterpillars resulting in heinous rashes that would take us ALL summer to get rid of. Good times! Sometimes Neil and Noel would come and help me sneak out my window, and we would spend hours just walking around shaws, talking about things that teenagers talk about.. swearing and boasting about how we thwarted our parents attempts at setting a curfew.
In the winter, we would go sledding on 'dead hill' (a really steep hill with a bunch of junk washers and dryers and crap at the bottom we spent a day or two cleaning up). When we were almost frostbitten, and soaked to the bone we would return to their house, and their mom (Ana) would make us hot chocolate from scratch. We would usually retreat to their bedroom and play the latest and greatest game console. It started with the n64 (and so started my love for gaming), then the playstation.. then the playstation 2.. some of my most fond/memorable moments from growing up were in that room playing video games.

As we aged, the boys stopped coming to the trailer park as often.. and I saw less and less of Neil. I was in a serious relationship and rarely saw Noel because I was so crammed up Mikes ass. Finally Mike and I ended up getting married (while I was still in high school *facepalm*) and I moved with him to Gulfport, Mississippi. Not because I wanted to leave the only state I will ever love enough to live in.. but because the United States Navy said so. I was miserable. I started drinking.. a lot. Tequila mostly. I usually say that I didn't have any friends in MS, but I did.. I'm just a little ashamed to admit that I fell into kind of a bad crowd, and I spent most of my time down there blowing off my husband to hang out with them and get drunk. Bottom line, I really didn't want to be in Mississippi. I didn't want to be married either. I loved Mike deeply when I married him (as deeply as an 18 year old can love someone) but when he joined the navy and left me for boot camp, training, and his first deployment we both changed a lot.

It was actually a telephone conversation with Noel that made me realize how truly awful I was being to myself by trying to pretend everything would just work out if I stayed there. I hadn't talked to him in years, but my dad ran into him at battle of the bands and gave him my phone number. Dad had called me from BOTB while my favorite local band (Lost Conscience) was playing. I sobbed for over an hour, longing to be home. I confessed to Noel that I was miserable, and he gave me the 'sometimes you just have to do what you have to do' pep talk.  I didn't end up telling Mike how I felt until after my first visit back to Maine (6mos after the move) and I didn't end up coming home for good until a few days before thanksgiving. That was 2007.

I saw Neil for the first time in about 5 years at walmart. I was looking at the lunchables when someone called out my name. I turned to see who it was and some strange dude with long hair and sunglasses was walking quickly in my direction with his arms out. I must have given him a funny look... I know I was thinking "Who is this goober trying to get my attention?" He took off the sunglasses and I immediately recognized him.. I was SO excited to see him! We talked for a few minutes and I asked for his number. He didn't have one, but his friend insisted that I take his because they were always hanging out anyway. The first time I used it was just a few days before my 21'st birthday. I wanted Neil and Noel to be there. I called the number I was given, and the friend told me that Neils mother was very sick in the hospital, and he hadn't seen him in a few days. The only other way I knew of to contact him was to call his dad. I'll never forget what he told me when he answered the phone.

The next time I saw Neil was at his mothers funeral. We both started crying when I saw him. He opened his arms and said 'come here'. He thanked me for coming. I felt guilty for not having called sooner. We exchanged phone numbers at the reception, and played phone tag for a few months after.. but he rarely answered his phone. Numerous times I considered hopping in my car with a dish full of supper, and some cookies and knocking on every door of the apartment complex he told me he lived in.. but I never did. About a year later.. some friends of ours from the trailer park were graduating high school. I called the number for his dad once more and left a message from Dudet. I never expected to hear back from him, but he texted me later that night!

A few weeks later we were dating. On our one year anniversary Neil asked me to marry him. Two weeks later we found out we were expecting. Finally after 9 months we have this beautiful baby girl. I can hardly believe the events that lead up to this point in my life. Parenthood. I feel like we have that storybook romance that you only read about in books. I look at my daughter, and I see my childhood sweetheart in her face. He was my love before I knew was love was, and he'll be my love forever.

 16 years ago, I was a little girl running through a field to the mailbox. Today, I'm a mom. So.. basically.. that's how it all happened. I'll probably elaborate on little bits and pieces of the story as time goes on, but this is the start of it all. We'll call it the preface to the Epic tale of my adventures in parenting.