I should be sleeping right?

Neil's schedule is so screwy. C usually goes to bed around 11pm, and sleeps until 11am. She usually wakes up to nurse 2-3 times in the early morning (after the sun has come up) and I often wait until after Neil gets home from work to go to bed. It's a struggle to get up in the morning, and I almost never nap with Camille during the day like I always say I'm going to.

I'm exhausted.. but if I go to sleep now, I won't see Neil until tomorrow morning. Then I'll get to be with him for an hour, and he'll be leaving for work.

Cami finally recognizes him though.. she used to cry every time he held her but I think she is getting used to him. He usually 'accidentally' wakes her up when he gets home from work. I can't be upset with him for it because he really doesn't see much of her during the week when he's out busting ass to feed us, and she always goes right back to sleep as soon as I put her on the boob.

While I'm not sleeping, I must gush C's latest accomplishment! I put her on the play mat today for some tummy time while I walked across the living room to hang the cloth diapers over the side of the laundry basket in front of the monitor heater to finish drying. She was facing the TV. I talked to her while I was arranging the dipes, and she made a noise at me so I looked up at her and she had scooted 1/4 around and was facing me with the tv to her left! She then proceeded to kick her legs back as if she were trying to move forward, and quickly became frustrated upon realizing she wasn't going anywhere and started squawking for me to come pick her up. Where have these last 3 months gone!? Is she really trying to crawl already? Go baby go!

She's also very close to rolling from back to front.

Ugh. I'm totally exhausted. It's almost 230 in the morning and I have no idea when Neil will be home.

Mommy time

Is there such a thing? I had this delusion when I was pregnant that I would have time to sew Camille's one size cloth diaper stash. You know.. the one that she should be fitting into like... now. I have 5/32 done... sans snaps because I never fit the pliers into my budget.

I have not done my workout in 2 days.
I want more sleep.

It really does get better.

I remember feeling relieved when Camille was a month old, that I had made it through one month of breastfeeding. I remember being tremendously disappointed, and feeling almost guilty that I didn't enjoy it at all during that first month. Even after we finally weaned from the nipple shield at 6 weeks I felt like breastfeeding was a constant struggle. I had daydreamed about staring down at my suckling infant the entire time I was pregnant. Breastfeeding was this magical mommy privilege in my head.. the only thing that I could provide for my child that nobody else could. I almost felt like a bad mother at times for not enjoying it.

It really does get better. I don't dread giving C the boob anymore. It's second nature to me. I'm no longer constantly concerned with feeding schedules/leaving the house. I can always find a quiet area to feed her while I'm out and about. She no longer takes 45 minutes to an hour to feed, and she's waiting longer between feedings. I look down at Cami when she's eating, and I feel love and awe for this little goober who depends on me for her most basic need. I finally love breastfeeding.

I'm a little afraid I'm turning into 'that' mother though.. the breastfeeding advocate that annoys all of her friends with all of her little fun facts. I find myself 'liking' every other article that kellymom posts to her facebook wall, and I know I have at least 2 formula feeding moms on my friends list.. I really sincerely hope they don't feel like I'm stepping on their toes... I worry a lot about the way I make other people feel. I know I'll probably be that mama getting the side eye for breastfeeding her toddler, but I would hate to be that mama that everyone calls a 'breastfeeding nazi'. I really respect everyone's decisions to breast or formula feed, because I feel like it's a deeply personal decision.... I just really like to share all of the information I find about it that I think is interesting.

While we're on the topic of breastfeeding, kellymom posted an article to facebook that lead me to a video regarding extended breastfeeding (BFing past the first year of life) I guess it's a touchy subject for some people, and I can understand why it isn't for everyone.. but I just don't understand why some people feel so strongly against BFing or extended BFing. Why do they care SO much about the decisions that other people make for their children? The video started out with quotes from people who were opposed to a video the woman posted about breastfeeding, and I was literally horrified when I read some of the things people said. I've heard plenty of (real live) people make the comment 'If they're old enough to ask for it, they are too old to breastfeed' but I was shocked to see people actually equating BFing a toddler to child abuse! [insert a big WTF here]

Here is a link to the video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DdEN8nKWA4E

Now, don't get me wrong.. everyone is entitled to their opinion, but if you're going to form an opinion on something should you not educate yourself on the subject first? Breast milk does not suddenly stop having nutritional value after one year of life. Saying that (and believing it) would be like saying when an adult eats baby food they aren't getting the same vitamins the baby gets from it. It's baby food. Mashed green beans are mashed green beans. They don't change their chemical composition by magically discovering the age of the person consuming them. Breast milk is intended for human consumption. How is fulfilling baby's most basic need (that the human body is designed to provide no less) past a certain age going to be detrimental to the health of the child vs. being beneficial?

Here's some great info on extended BFing in case anyone is interested (or in case you are one of those people who are against it, and trolling the internet looking for advocates to continue your keyboard crusade against.)

http://www.kellymom.com/bf/bfextended/ebf-benefits.html

I usually don't get up on the soap box to preach about my beliefs, but I think it's disgusting that there are nursing mothers all over the world that end up needing to defend and/or justify meeting the needs of their child at some point in time. It takes a pretty ignorant (and f***ing stupid) person to equate feeding a child to abuse, or nursing to indecent exposure. Petition your local grocery stores to hide the covers of Cosmopolitan, and Rolling Stone if you are truly concerned about seeing too much boob. Really. If seeing a mother nursing her child upsets you turn your eyes away. I don't care for seafood but you don't see me writing a letter to congress when the dude at the table next to me at the 99 orders the seafood trio. Mind your own business and let nursing mothers nurse.


http://mamamojo.wordpress.com/2007/09/12/breastfeeding-in-public-warning-offensive-content/

Does the spit up make it official?

It's 12pm on a Sunday. I just got dressed. I haven't had time all week to sort through laundry, so it took me about 10 minutes to find something to put on. I ended up grabbing an already worn cami to go underneath a shirt that is too thin (from being worn so much) to be comfortable on it's own. I'm wearing a pair of stretchy jeans that are way too big, but I wanted to have the comfort of sweat pants without feeling like a total bum. I haven't had a shower because Neil is still in bed. The ugly straps that keep my nursing bra on when the cup is un-clipped is showing in the neckline of my shirt, and I've JUST realized that my left shoulder is covered in baby spit up. This must be the shirt I put on yesterday morning.. you know.. the one that got thoroughly saturated with baby puke 10 minutes after I put it on.

So, I'm officially a mom now right?

Epic adventures in lost time.

Sometime in the last two weeks I blinked, and when I wasn't looking Camille grew into her 3mo sized clothes. I can never really tell she's growing because I see her every day, but then I'll go to grab that onesie that used to be wayyy too long and she'll have grown into it. I went through all of her clothes last week and filled a whole bag of things that didn't fit her anymore. I also set aside the 'sentimental' pile. This included the outfits they gave us in the hospital, and her coming home outfit. 

You know what's so funny.. whenever I notice how much she's grown, it's always because I notice the size of her hands. Always her hands. They're still tiny, but not as tiny as they used to be, and I think they get bigger every time I look at them. It dawned on me when I was watching my sister play the piano a few days ago that my baby would be that big one day. Of course I knew she was going to grow up one day the moment I got pregnant, but watching my sisters hands float across the keyboard of the piano while I was holding my daughter really hit home. I was 9 when Kendra was born so I have a very good memory of her childhood. Those hands were the size of Camille's hands once, and Camille's hands will be that size one day. Kendra is 14 now, and my baby is just a few months old. Where has the time gone?!

I friended one of Neils work buddies and his wife on facebook a few days ago. They have a daughter who is about a year and a half old (I think) and I was looking at her maternity pictures and regretting not having any done of my own. I even have a friend who offered to do them (for free), but I was so depressed about our living situation during my pregnancy that every time I thought about going to see her and get them done I decided against it because I didn't want to have to answer all the questions that everyone always loved to ask, that I always wanted to avoid. "Where are you guys staying? Have you started decorating the nursery yet? Do you have a lot of stuff for her?" 

I've also realized that all of the pictures I have of Camille, are JUST of Camille. I have a bunch with Neil, and a few with all of her grandparents, but I don't have very many of her and I because Neil works so much and I'm always home alone with her. 

I'm being such a Debbie downer! Ah!

On a more positive note, I got a fancy new phone that takes excellent pictures of her (instead of sub par crappy flip phone pictures) and I can upload them directly to facebook.. so there will be much more picture sharing. It even takes videos!

So much fun watching her grow!

My little baby is getting so big so fast! She's growing out of her clothes, and her newborn sized diapers.. She's holding her head up a little better, and stays content on her play mat for longer periods now. She's also grabbing things, and bringing them to her mouth. She's finally interested in the toys on her bouncy seat (just as I was getting ready to sell the damn thing because she would scream to be held every time I sat her down in it) and when I wave at our reflection in the mirror her eyes get wide and she looks over at my hand waving next to her face. Where have the past 2 and a half months of my life gone so quickly? I need to take more pictures!

I can button my pre pregnancy jeans again!

Well.. Kind of. And technically they were my period jeans... they don't look too hot with all of this lovely extra skin flab I've got going on.. but I can physically button them at this point! I still use the hair tie loop trick when I wear them.. but I'm excited that I can wear them at all. When I first came home from the hospital I couldn't even fit them over my butt.

I'm down about 35lbs from my weight when I delivered, but I still have 20lbs to go until I get back to my pre pregnancy weight (I'm shooting for 135.. I was about 140 pre preg). I don't have the extra cash, or childcare to get to the gym like I would like, so I picked up the 30 day shred when I was shopping this weekend. I still haven't made it through the WHOLE workout (yesterday was my first day and Cami woke up BOTH times I tried to do it) but I'm already feeling pretty sore. I took some before pictures but until I find the little adapter that plugs my memory card into my computer they will be stuck on my camera.

In other news, I spent my first full day out of the house with my daughter on memorial day, and we are both still alive and well! We've been out for shopping trips/visiting friends and family for a couple hours at a time.. but Monday I went to a BBQ with some friends (Margot, your potato salad was stellar!) and C and I were out of the house for about 8 hours! Breastfeeding  outside of the comfort and safety of my home more than once (and not in my car, or in my future father in law's house) wasn't as scary as I had imagined it would be!

Well, I was just about to say "Well.. I'm going to go see if I can get away with my 20 minute workout before my kid wakes up.".. but she just did so I guess I'll have to postpone my date with Jillian until later this afternoon.