Thank goodness it's over!

I think we are officially done with the 6 week growth spurt. C's feeding schedule is back to normal, and as of 2-3am-ish.. she's sleeping regularly again. She is taking her second nap for the day, and I was able to get a load of diaper laundry in and make myself some lunch.

Also, we took our first walk outside in the fresh air today! If I had a car I would have taken her downtown to the library, and maybe over to the mall to grab a danny's hot dog and hang out on the green for a bit.. but Neil needs the car for work.. so I put Cami in the moby and took a walk down to the mailbox. Apparently the mailbox requires some kind of funky key positioning skill that I do not have.. so I wasn't actually able to check the mail.. but the fresh air was nice. I've been fighting off a migraine all day so I think I'm going to keep this post short and go grab some ibuprofen and nap with the little one. She is so amazing and cute!

Adventures in saving money.

I've discovered this strange new world where nothing I need ever has to cost me money ever again. "Yeah right!" You cry, "Everything costs money!" Well, yes, I will be forking over the green stuff more often than would really like.. and I'm not going to be a master couponer overnight.. filling my cart with $300 worth of groceries and only having an $8 balance at the checkout... but I've only been in this a week and I'm already starting to get excited when I find a store coupon and a manufacturer coupon for the same item and realize that I'm going to get it for free, or close to free.

I got my first free item yesterday (one that I didn't need at the moment no less.. in true 'extreme couponer style'.. if you've watched any of the shows you might notice that they always have way more of one thing that they need because when it's free they use the coupons/sale deals to stock up on it.. regardless of weather or not they need it.. because.. well.. it's free) and it felt so good! I had a coupon for $3 off any A&D ointment product (they come in tubes, and giant tubs of the stuff), and I needed baby wipes anyway.. so I grabbed the coupon and headed for target. When I got there I was excited to see that the A&D ointment had been reduced to $2.99, so I got it for free!

Check out this blog for some tips and tricks if you're interested in getting started. I'll probably add more on couponing later in another section.

<center><a href="http://www.freebies2deals.com" target="_blank"><img border="0" alt="Freebies2Deals" src="http://i977.photobucket.com/albums/ae258/bigjgnu/th_buttondraft.png" /></a></center>

The 'getting started' and FAQ are good places to check first. Then be sure to go to the freebies page.. because who doesn't love free stuff?

Epic adventures in growth spurt territory.

This is what my day was like.

12am. Fall asleep in chair in front of the tv because baby will only stay asleep as long as she is in my arms.

Sometime between 12am and 230 am Neil came home. He sat next to the chair and tried to talk to me.. I remember trying to respond and tell him what was in the fridge.. but you know when you're so tired that you aren't sure weather you were talking out loud, or thinking about what you were going to say? Yeah..

230am - Neil wakes me up to tell me he's going to bed. I groggily say 'I'm coming'.

a few minutes later? - Neil wakes me up again to remind me I told him I was coming to bed. I get up carefully.. stumble into the bedroom with baby in my arms and gently place her in the pack n play. I snuggle up to Neil, and JUST as I start to relax.. guess who needs my attention. I pick her up and she immediately falls asleep again. Nice. Defeated, I put C on my chest, and prop my elbows up with pillows so my hands keep hold of her and I'll feel when she starts to move when she wakes.

Around 530ish- C starts to stir

6am- Camille demands I wake to feed her. We move out to the living room so as not to wake Daddy, and C gets her breakfast.

645am- Mommy falls asleep watching the news and burping baby.

945am - Baby starts crying because she's hungry again.

1030am - Coffee time- by far my favorite part of every day!

11am- first attempt to wake up Daddy.

1130- C wants to eat again.

Somewhere between this feeding, and Camille going into the swing, I started a blog post and got distracted.

1215ish.. C is content in her swing while mommy goes through her coupons. She finally falls asleep around 1245.

I went upstairs at this point and hung out with Neil and my dad until Neil prepares to leave for work. Neil ran downstairs to check his fb and grab his vest.

130 - I hear Neil talking to C on the baby monitor so I run back downstairs. I kiss Neil goodbye, and C starts fussing again. Why? Because she's hungry! woohoo!

215- C is sleeping, so I run upstairs to wolf down some lunch. C is fussing. After coming to her aid, I am shocked to find that after 30 minutes of trying to sooth her.. the only way I can console her is by feeding her.. again!

330pm- Foolishly, I assume C will stay asleep as I try to put her in the car seat so we can run out in town to get stamps and a new pair of sewing scissors. Nope. I hold her and walk around talking to her until she falls asleep again, then put her in the bouncy seat around 350. At this time, I also realize that firefox froze when I was downloading google chrome, and I've lost my blog post. I also realize that I can't even remember what I was writing about, but I DO remember that there was mention of my new found love for couponing (which I will elaborate on later.. because there is major money to be saved out there and I want to share the love.)

400pm- Kendra is home from school and the dogs start barking to let us know. Camille is awake again.. and rooting again. I feed her and stick her in the car seat. I forgot stamps while I was out in town, and I forgot to pay the phone bill again, because as we were leaving joann fabrics C started getting seriously fussy again.

600ish- Home, and C eats again. Dad runs out to grab a tonage of McDonalds. I ended up bringing C upstairs with me, and she was quite content sitting in the boppy sucking on her hand while I had some dinner. She started fussing again so we came downstairs. She started fussing after a few minutes so I went through a whole array of things trying to figure out why she was SO unhappy. I changed her diaper, changed her clothes thinking maybe she was hot or otherwise uncomfortable in her adorable outfit (which I have pictures of if I can figure out how to get them from the new camera to my computer), put her in the swing for a few minutes, sang her a song, rocked her in my arms, walked around with her, burped her, put her on her belly.. but what was wrong? She was hungry again less than an hour after I fed her last! Perhaps she wasn't full when she stopped.. I'm not sure, but she did the same thing during her 3 week growth spurt so I shouldn't have been so surprised.

From 645-930 we went back and forth between feedings and 10-15 minute naps.. and now she is FINALLY sleeping in her bouncy seat. She's been there for about 30 minutes, and is starting to stir again. It's going to be a long night!

Success!

Camille FINALLY latched and fed without the accursed nipple shield!

It's a win win. She didn't need the shield, and she fed 2x as quickly without it as she did with it. So proud of my baby girl!

How am I still awake?

Seriously. How?

Camille kept me up until 4am, then woke me up at 7. She fussed until she was done eating around 830.. JUST as I was falling asleep- Neil showed up with coffee.. I stayed up and had some coffee with him, but fell asleep again for about another hour. Then my mommy came to visit me :) so I was up for the day around 1130.

Now- I'm wide awake. I tried to chill out and nap, but I can't. Camille is fast asleep and I think she might actually be out for the night this time. I should be sleeping. I want to be sleeping, but somehow, running on 4 hours of sleep.. I'm wide awake. Somebody please show up at my house with a cast iron fry pan and knock me out!

Watch C wake up the second I start to pass out. I bet you money it will happen!

My baby is a month old already!

As of last night Camille is already a month old! I can't believe it!

Is it horrible that my first thought was '1 month of breastfeeding down- 11 more to go!' I almost feel guilty that I'm not 'enjoying' breastfeeding. Every once in a while when I look down at her while she's eating I have an 'aww' moment.. and it feels really good to be providing for my child the way I am.. but it's been so much more of a struggle than I anticipated. We're still using the shield, she is still not latching consistently.. I have to pull her off all the time and try over and over to get her on properly constantly. I blame everything on the shield, but I feel awful that I'm still having those 'I swear I'm throwing in the towel!' moments.

If only I cound freeze time.

She is asleep on my chest. I'm looking down at the back of her head, and her tiny body snuggled up to me.. bum resting in the boppy in my lap. I wish I could get pictures of these moments from my perspective, exactly the way my eyes see them. I wish these moments could last forever.

I love you Camille <3

Dinner should make itself!

I really should have planned ahead. Every time I bail on the idea of making supper while C is napping she sleeps for 4 hours. Every time I get her to go down for a nap, expecting enough time for dinner she wakes up when I'm just getting to that point where you can't just shut everything off and wait till later.

Lucky for me, I have help this week. Neil is at home until friday per doctors recommendation. He woke up in pain on sunday so I made him call the doctor thinking he might have a bladder infection. Turns out his abdominal muscles were strained, and if he had gone to work on monday he more than likely would have ended up with a hernia! I am SO glad he listened to me and called the doctor (for the first time ever).

On a happier note, I am pleased to announce that another one of our childhood friends from the trailer park became a father yesterday! Congrats to the new parents Matt and Alysha! I am sooo happy for you! They make the third couple of our childhood friends to have babies! Another is due with their first later this year. I can hardly believe it! I feel so old!

Also today, I left the house for the first time without baby :(. I took my sister to a meeting at her school 5 minutes away from home, and I was only gone an hour. It was bittersweet for me. I enjoyed the time to myself (short as it may have been) but when Neil texted me and told me that she wouldn't stop crying I wanted nothing more than to cuddle her in my arms and just listen to her wail. He finally got her to settle down with a bottle, but it was still heartbreaking to know that she was inconsolable even for a short time and I was unable to try and soothe her!

5 things I absolutely cannot live without

I would be lost without these things. For serious.. I don't think I would survive.

• My boppy pillow
• The greatest invention of all kind. For the first week of C's life, the boppy was actually a pain. She was so small, that when I tried to use it she would slide down between me and the boppy and I would have to completely reposition her. This would often end in her coming unlatched, and fussing, and both of us getting covered in breast milk because I was engorged and leaking everywhere.. no fun. My back hurt a lot for that first week.. but she's finally big enough to actually be supported by it, and I can't feed her without it. Well I probably could if I practiced but I haven't tried, and don't care to.
• Carnation instant breakfast, cereal, and granola bars.
• Because who has time to eat when you have a newborn? I certainly do not. Without these things, I would surely have starved to death by now. I'm serious. Really, I am.
• Dreft Stain Remover
• Really.. it's magic. I've even used the stuff to get a poop stain out of a sleeper that I forgot about and baked on in the dryer.
• Ten thousand sleepers and receiving blankets.
• Ok, so maybe I'm a little off on the numbers.. but I have a ton of these. When I was putting it all away in C's closet I though "What the hell am I going to do with all of these?" The answer? Use them. The small burp cloths are pretty useless when you have a baby like mine that likes to try and look around while you're burping her. They are nice to keep handy for wiping up spittle messes that mysteriously appear when baby is sitting in her bouncer and you get up to change the channel, but I find that a receiving blanket covering your whole shoulder works better for burping. I go through so many because they are easy to lose track of, fall on the floor and get covered in dog hair, are handy for catching pee messes during changing (I learned to keep one under her so when she pees when I'm changing her I can just use the blanket to wipe up the mess, hit the table with a wet wipe and keep going) and good for a quick cover when you're breastfeeding and someone walks into the room. As for the sleepers, some days are better than others as far as poop/pee messes go, but it helps to have a million of these when you're too busy/exhausted to throw in a load of laundry every couple of days.
•  Sleep
•  This one is pretty strait forward.

5 things I didn't expect,

5 Things I did not expect to experience as a new mom.

• Pregnancy brain turned into baby brain.
• For those of you who are not familiar with pregnancy brain (or baby brain for that matter) remember that time you got really drunk in high school when your parents were out of town? You walked into the kitchen and couldn't remember what you were there for, so you went back to your room and remembered you wanted cereal.. so you go back to the kitchen for cereal, only when you arrive you can't remember what you went in there for (again.. wtf right?).. so you stand in the kitchen staring at the cupboards for 10 minutes before checking the fridge. You find the cereal in the fridge and remember that the cereal is what you came to the kitchen for... but what on earth is the cereal doing in the fridge? That is what pregnancy brain is like.. sans drunkenness.. Baby brain is twice as bad. I needed to clean a mess up in the kitchen yesterday and looked in the fridge, trash, and bathroom before realizing that I meant to grab a rag out of the drawer next to the sink. I'm not sure if it's hormones, exhaustion, or a combination of the two. Either way- I did not expect this flaky forgetfulness that started during pregnancy to continue on into motherhood.
•  Fluids
• So.. I fully expected to be covered in puke, pee, and poopy.. I stocked up on receiving blankets and burpy cloths for a reason.. the one fluid I did not expect to be drowning in every day was my own breast milk. Really? Breast milk? Yes. It gets everywhere. All over baby, all over boppy, all over mommy. I've had to change my shirt, my pants, and C's sleeper before. "What?! Your pants?!" you might be wondering? I'll explain. The first few days the milk comes in.. it leaks. Everywhere. Those first few days of BFing are really difficult. Little one is learning what to do, you are learning how to hold little one, it's painful.. it's not a simple process.. and engorged boobs are sensitive! The solution? Feed little one while topless. The problem? The side you are not feeding on leaks.. a lot. The result? When the feeding is over, little one needs a new outfit.. and you're smelling your pants to make sure you didn't get peed on. 
•  Breast feeding is difficult and painful (only at first)
• I knew it was going to be difficult because I read up on it a lot while I was pregnant, but I did not expected it to be as physically and emotionally taxing as it was. The first few days were absolute hell. C didn't latch properly right away (the nurses and lactation consultant assured me that it was fairly common for smaller babies) so we had to use a shield, and I had to pump to get what tiny bit of colostrum (the precursor to milk) I could to supplement the feedings because C wouldn't stay on long enough to get what she needed. I pretty much lived topless the first 3 days at the hospital. The lanolin, and ointment they gave me did little to ease the pain, and I felt like the biggest failure in the world when I had to use a machine, and a syringe (with a straw not a needle) in order to feed my child. The nursing staff and lactation consultant were tremendously helpful those first few days. I think if they had not been so supportive I might have caved in and started giving her formula, or exclusively pumped and bottle fed. I am so glad that the staff was so helpful to me. Their kind words of support, and all the advice they gave me rang in my ears every time I was crying over my infant at 4am ready to throw in the towel. New moms, and moms to be- Don't be too quick to throw in the towel. Don't get me wrong. BFing isn't for everyone, and some women really are physically incapable of doing it.. but if you're able to, and you're having second thoughts because it's difficult- don't give up. It gets better after the first few weeks, I promise. It's one of the most emotionally rewarding things I've been able to share with my child so far. I'm grateful every day that I am able to do it. 
• Newborn poop is loud.
• Very loud.. like.. you can hear it from across the room.. with the TV up. It's hilarious! Also, while we are on the subject.. I also didn't expect to get so much enjoyment out of cleaning it up. Let me clarify- I'm not lining up at daycares to change newborn diapers.. I just mean that I find it amusing when she 'makes a poopie' (that's how I refer to it) and I'm surprised that my natural reaction to C filling a dipe is to giggle and excitedly talk her through the changing process. 
• Murphy's law applies to everything  you do.
• As soon as you take away the dirty diaper baby has to pee again. As soon as you get the fresh diaper on, and the thousand snaps on baby's sleeper snapped.. they have to poop again. Every time you think you'll be all set without the nursing pads you leak all over your shirt... in public. Baby only spits up during burping is when you are not protected by a burp cloth. You get the idea.  

Love.

Love, is fixing a plate for your significant other with one hand (by the way.. getting a piece of tin foil torn off and wrapping it around a plate with one hand is tricky business) then watching your own food get cold while you're feeding your fussy infant. I've pretty much gotten used to eating everything cold at this point.

She is so worth it!

March 14'th 2011 (Another novel.. I promise all of my entries won't be as long as these first two!)

I spent almost a year repeating "March 12" over and over again to friends, family, strangers in the grocery store. As I approached the end of the third trimester, I was told I would probably deliver early by my obstetrician, my mother, friends who had children of their own.. but of course I was not so lucky.

I had been in and out of labor and delivery for weeks. My blood pressure was all over the place at every appointment and around 35 weeks I started swelling. I resembled the michelain man, sans pasty white hue and funky hat. I was miserable.

The day after my due date I spent much of the day on the couch. I was tired, swollen, my back hurt, I had a headache. I wanted Camille to come out! I complained to anyone who would listen, and received sage advice "What got her in there will get her out!" from several people. I kept telling myself I shouldn't get my hopes up because she wasn't going to come until she was ready but I figured it wouldn't hurt to try anyway, so we did the deed and went to sleep.

I woke up a few times to change positions (a huge chore when you're exhausted and 9mos pregnant) because my back hurt. I think I started to notice that the back pain was accompanied by cramps around the time the sun started to come up. It was still too dark to see the clock, but the moment I realized I might be having contractions I was awake, and there was NO getting back to sleep. I was still in denial until around 7am. I was finally too uncomfortable to stay in bed, and I was definitely having contractions. They weren't overly painful at that point... they felt much like menstrual cramps. I got up out of bed and let Neil sleep. It was Monday, March 14th. Neil would be getting up to get ready for work around 11, so I would wait to see if things started to progress before waking him up and telling him I thought I was in labor. I couldn't keep it to myself though so I called my mom and told her that I thought I was in labor and I would keep her updated as the day went on.

I repacked my hospital bag (for about the millionth time) had some coffee, and had a nice big breakfast. Finally my contractions were starting to really progress. I started timing them, they were about 7 minutes apart and lasting 45 seconds to a minute. I woke Neil up around 10:30 I think. "Hey sweetie, do you wanna have a baby today?" He startled awake and started looking around frantically.. "Huh? What.. what's going on?". I told him to call work and let them know he wouldn't be coming in.

The contractions were really starting to feel miserable. They were now 3-5 minutes apart and lasting about a minute, to a minute and a half. Time to call the OB! They told me to head up to labor and delivery to be checked out and monitored. Much to my dismay, I was told I was only dilated 1cm and still only 50% effaced, as I had been since 37 weeks. Lame. BUT- I was in labor now! Hooray! They asked me to walk the halls for an hour or so to see if I would progress at all. For an hour I walked around L&D, contractions getting too painful to stand through. I'm so glad I had Neil there with me. He made jokes, and held me up when I felt like I couldn't stand. I couldn't have done it without him. After that hour, they fed me some lunch and checked me again. I was heartbroken when they told me I still hadn't made any progress. They gave me the option to stay, or leave and labor at home. I chose to go home since we were so close. I figured I would be more comfortable in my own home anyway.

The moment we pulled in the driveway, I had the answer to the question "How will I know if I have back labor?" I was curious about it for months, because I've had back problems in the past. I always wondered if I would be able to tell the difference between back labor, and a back ache. There was no mistaking the fact that I was feeling back labor. After that first 'back contraction' (which hurt from the middle of my butt, up to my waist and sent a burning/sharp pain down the sides of my thighs) I turned to Neil and told him that I didn't know what I was thinking when I had planned to at least try to go without an epidural. "Eff that" I think were my exact words. I would not wish that pain on my worst enemy. For 2 hours I tried to distract myself. First with facebook, then with TV, then with episodes of 'The secret life of the american teenager" on nexflix. I think we made it half way through the second episode before Neil was begging me to go back to the hospital. I was certain that I would just get sent home again. It had only been 2 hours. 'But honey you're in so much pain'.. DUH Neil! I'm in labor! It's supposed to be painful.. we expected this!

Finally, I realized I was having trouble relaxing between contractions, I had the shakes, and I was feeling light headed because I wasn't concentrating on breathing through the contractions as well as I probably should have. Neil grabbed my phone and asked for the number to the hospital. I begged him to wait, still convinced that it was completely normal to be in this much pain.. first time moms usually labor like this for 12-24 hours right? That's what the OB kept telling me anyway! I called my mother, thinking that she would be able to assure Neil that what I was experiencing was perfectly normal- instead she told me that I needed to call the hospital and head back to labor and delivery. She said it really sounded like I needed to be there.

Defeated, I called midcoast and they gave me the "well.. you can come back if you want.. but it's only been 2 hours." Um- thanks.. I forgot about that part. Did I mention I was having trouble breathing? Yes, I DO want to come back and get checked out.. why else would I have called? I arrived around 4pm, and they brought me to a room. They gave me a gown, but I never put it on. It was all I could to get my pants off and lay down on the bed. The nurse said something about the bag of waters when she started to check me.. I thought 'great.. I've at least made some progress' but I must admit I was entirely unprepared for it when she told me that I was dilated to 8cm, just 2 and a half hours after I was sent home at 1cm and not progressing. I didn't believe her. I asked if she was serious 4-5 times I think. In retrospect.. I'm not sure why I thought a L&D nurse would joke about that kind of thing.. but it still took a minute to sink in. I was almost there. She asked me if I wanted the epidural, and I said yes. I asked Neil to call my mother, and the room filled with nurses.

There were 2 on one side trying to start an IV, a lab tech trying to draw blood.. my BP was still all over the place so they had the cuff strapped to my arm going off every 5 minutes. One nurse asking me questions and filling in stuff on the computer. They were so great. They would stop everything they were doing to hold my hand and help me breathe through the contractions. The nurse who checked me came in with a shot of nubaine (spelling?)  to take the edge off until I could get the epidural, but it did nothing. After 20 minutes or so the anesthesiologist showed up and I had my epirudal after a few minutes. Sweet relief! My mother arrived shortly after I started to feel fuzzy from the epi. The on call OB showed up and broke my water. They told me to rest for a couple of hours.

I'll spare all of details of the actual act of giving birth, except to say that she was face up, instead of face down for much of the time I was laboring. She came out fairly quickly after she finally turned, but I almost ended up with a C-section.

Finally, at 10:22pm on March 14th, 2011 we reached the moment we had been waiting on since July 5th (the day we found out we were pregnant). We were finally holding our baby in our arms. She was perfect. Beautiful. They told me she was going to be huge, but she only weighed 6lbs 12oz, and she was 18 inches long. After that first perfect hour with her, Neils dad, my dad, and my sister came in to meet her and left. The nurses took her away for a bath, and another came in and gave me the low down on 'post baby hoo ha care'... but I didn't need any stitches (thank god) so I didn't really have any super special care requirements. I actually wasn't in that much pain. I definitely had some sore muscles.. there was NO denying that I just had a baby.. I guess I just expected it to be more painful than it was.

I don't know how I slept at all that night. Actually I don't think I slept at all that night. I remember changing her first poopy diaper around 530am. I got to sleep sometime after the sun came up.

I don't really have anything else to say about that day other than the cliche 'the best day of my life' stuff.. but it really was the greatest day of my life.
 

Woah, I'm a mom... how did that happen?

I'm pretty sure everybody knows how it happened, I mean.. I didn't get pregnant swimming in Pinkham pond last summer.. so I'll go back to the beginning.

In the beginning, there was a trailer park. It's still there actually. The trailer that I called home for the first 18 years of my life is gone, but the neighborhood I grew up in is still there. That's where I met him. We were 7 years old. It was a cloudy day, and I feel like I remember it being chilly and windy as well. I was running something to the mail box for my mother. Half way through the field this strange little boy comes running toward me from the opposite direction. He popped out from behind a tree right as I was approaching it and we both stopped dead in our tracks.. we had almost run into each other.
"Who are you?!" He demanded.
"I'm Ashley, who are you?" I replied.
"I'm Neil, and that's my brother Noel. (he pointed to Noel who was closely following him) Do you wanna be friends?"
"Yeah! Sure!"
"Ok, lets go play in the woods!"

And that's how we met. I don't remember the rest of the day.. I don't even remember bringing the mail to the mailbox.. I only remember that moment.

As our friendship continued we somehow decided at the ripe old age of 7 that we were to be 'boyfriend and girlfriend' I'm not sure how that came about either. I think it started when we realized his name was Neil, and my last name was Armstrong. Somehow that meant we were destined to be together because of Neil Armstrong (you know.. that guy who walked on the moon?).. don't ask me how it made sense, I just remember Noel and Nich picking on us about it.. and we eventually decided that we were boyfriend and girlfriend. We used to sneak off into the tall grass to cuddle and hold hands. I don't think we even really talked when we did it. We just sat in the tall grass holding hands.

Every other weekend I would anticipate their arrival friday night. Around 6pm if I remember correctly. They always had to stay inside for the night for a family dinner with their mom.. but were usually allowed to come out and romp around the neighborhood a little later. Especially when we got older.

After a couple of years Neil dumped me, and I was devastated! As devastated as a girl under the age of 10 can be anyway. I remember crying into my pillow holding a picture of him for 15 or 20 minutes, and then suddenly getting over it as if it had never happened. I knew we would always be friends. And we were. Every other weekend the boys would come over, and we would spend the majority of our time running around in the woods, rolling around in poison ivy, and climbing trees infested with brown tail moth caterpillars resulting in heinous rashes that would take us ALL summer to get rid of. Good times! Sometimes Neil and Noel would come and help me sneak out my window, and we would spend hours just walking around shaws, talking about things that teenagers talk about.. swearing and boasting about how we thwarted our parents attempts at setting a curfew.
In the winter, we would go sledding on 'dead hill' (a really steep hill with a bunch of junk washers and dryers and crap at the bottom we spent a day or two cleaning up). When we were almost frostbitten, and soaked to the bone we would return to their house, and their mom (Ana) would make us hot chocolate from scratch. We would usually retreat to their bedroom and play the latest and greatest game console. It started with the n64 (and so started my love for gaming), then the playstation.. then the playstation 2.. some of my most fond/memorable moments from growing up were in that room playing video games.

As we aged, the boys stopped coming to the trailer park as often.. and I saw less and less of Neil. I was in a serious relationship and rarely saw Noel because I was so crammed up Mikes ass. Finally Mike and I ended up getting married (while I was still in high school *facepalm*) and I moved with him to Gulfport, Mississippi. Not because I wanted to leave the only state I will ever love enough to live in.. but because the United States Navy said so. I was miserable. I started drinking.. a lot. Tequila mostly. I usually say that I didn't have any friends in MS, but I did.. I'm just a little ashamed to admit that I fell into kind of a bad crowd, and I spent most of my time down there blowing off my husband to hang out with them and get drunk. Bottom line, I really didn't want to be in Mississippi. I didn't want to be married either. I loved Mike deeply when I married him (as deeply as an 18 year old can love someone) but when he joined the navy and left me for boot camp, training, and his first deployment we both changed a lot.

It was actually a telephone conversation with Noel that made me realize how truly awful I was being to myself by trying to pretend everything would just work out if I stayed there. I hadn't talked to him in years, but my dad ran into him at battle of the bands and gave him my phone number. Dad had called me from BOTB while my favorite local band (Lost Conscience) was playing. I sobbed for over an hour, longing to be home. I confessed to Noel that I was miserable, and he gave me the 'sometimes you just have to do what you have to do' pep talk.  I didn't end up telling Mike how I felt until after my first visit back to Maine (6mos after the move) and I didn't end up coming home for good until a few days before thanksgiving. That was 2007.

I saw Neil for the first time in about 5 years at walmart. I was looking at the lunchables when someone called out my name. I turned to see who it was and some strange dude with long hair and sunglasses was walking quickly in my direction with his arms out. I must have given him a funny look... I know I was thinking "Who is this goober trying to get my attention?" He took off the sunglasses and I immediately recognized him.. I was SO excited to see him! We talked for a few minutes and I asked for his number. He didn't have one, but his friend insisted that I take his because they were always hanging out anyway. The first time I used it was just a few days before my 21'st birthday. I wanted Neil and Noel to be there. I called the number I was given, and the friend told me that Neils mother was very sick in the hospital, and he hadn't seen him in a few days. The only other way I knew of to contact him was to call his dad. I'll never forget what he told me when he answered the phone.

The next time I saw Neil was at his mothers funeral. We both started crying when I saw him. He opened his arms and said 'come here'. He thanked me for coming. I felt guilty for not having called sooner. We exchanged phone numbers at the reception, and played phone tag for a few months after.. but he rarely answered his phone. Numerous times I considered hopping in my car with a dish full of supper, and some cookies and knocking on every door of the apartment complex he told me he lived in.. but I never did. About a year later.. some friends of ours from the trailer park were graduating high school. I called the number for his dad once more and left a message from Dudet. I never expected to hear back from him, but he texted me later that night!

A few weeks later we were dating. On our one year anniversary Neil asked me to marry him. Two weeks later we found out we were expecting. Finally after 9 months we have this beautiful baby girl. I can hardly believe the events that lead up to this point in my life. Parenthood. I feel like we have that storybook romance that you only read about in books. I look at my daughter, and I see my childhood sweetheart in her face. He was my love before I knew was love was, and he'll be my love forever.

 16 years ago, I was a little girl running through a field to the mailbox. Today, I'm a mom. So.. basically.. that's how it all happened. I'll probably elaborate on little bits and pieces of the story as time goes on, but this is the start of it all. We'll call it the preface to the Epic tale of my adventures in parenting.